Cosmic Tales 6: Tragedy Read online

  * * * * *

  Night fell and cracked open darkness. The group approached a large square in the urban district. The streets were filling with taxis, coaches and people carrying flags. Gyrosians of all ages and backgrounds chanted in unison. Elwood noticed it was a defining time in the nation's history.

  "A new coffee shop is opening?" he said.

  "No. Much worse, earth man. This is our country's general election. The results are due any moment now. But this is Gyros, so we might have to wait a couple of days for lunch to finish, then we will find out."

  "Sir, why are the people showing angry emotions?"

  "Well, tin man. They are tired of the austerity measures implemented by our owners the ECB, EU and the I'M F'D, otherwise known as the Tri-Fecked-Er. Gyrosians spent more than they had and borrowed more than they could afford to pay back. We joined the single currency under false pretences, convincing the Tri-Fecked-Er that we were not as indebted as first thought. We willingly joined, nobody paid their taxes and we got ourselves into a mess."

  The crowd began to throw fiery missiles at the government buildings and riot police, who deflected them with their thick shields.

  "We ran out of money," Andreas continued. "We now produce nothing. General unemployment is at 30 per cent and 70 per cent of young people are currently out of work. There are Far Eastern children who are better skilled workers than us. They can make guitars and clothing. As a result of this crisis we have become impoverished. Gyros wanted everything for free. This is what happens when you are not willing to invest in skills or even consider the future."

  A notable figure took to a stage to preach to a crowd of supporters.

  "This is our new prime minister, the leader of the Syriouzly? Party. He believes in not wearing a tie during public appearances. The truth is he cannot afford one. Last week he gave a speech in his underwear."

  "Why did the people vote for him?" said Elwood. "He looks like a journalism student."

  The prime minister made the fist symbol and the crowd roared in acceptance, anticipating another great promise.

  "He's only a part-time student. One of the reasons is because he believes in the free market. The Gyrosians interpreted this to mean they could go to any market and everything would be free. Like you pink skinned northerners we love freebies. Free money, free healthcare, free schools. He promised a free country. Well, there is some truth in that. Soon we will be invaded and bought out by Poundland."

  The prime minister, making his final salute to his supporters, descended the stage and sank into a big huddle of bodyguards preparing to transport him on to his next appointment. The partying crowd suddenly turned from being jovial to acting petrified. Young people dressed in masks and concealed with scarves and heavy coats mixed into the crowd, threw firebombs and incited the attention of armed guards. The supporters retreated at the sight of the thugs. Elwood ran but got caught in the ruthless spray of a water cannon, and the group retreated.

  "The young Gyrosians are not to blame for this," said Andreas. "They deserve to be angry. The blame lies primarily with the inept corrupt bankers who sold the country off, while my generation was too busy being entertained and too idle to take preventative action against getting into debt. This violence will not stop until our society crumbles and there is not a penny left in the system. A whole generation will live at home with their parents. Oh, well."

  A bus trundled by, set alight by the angry mob before getting hijacked. The mob crashed it into a shop window to make a blockade. A huge standoff with the police ensued.

  "We should get out of here," said Andreas as they ran along a network of discrete alleyways. Soon they arrived in a shanty area of the capital with the ancient centre now a mere dot in the background.

  "This is my neighbourhood," said Andreas. "Only ten percent of people here have a job. The rest rely on food handouts and special stamps. You take a coupon like this one to the nearest stall and exchange it for bread, milk or eggs. Then you hope the authorities have not cut off the electricity supply when you get home. Incidentally our new prime minister wants to make electricity free as well, to add to the list of ongoing freebies."

  "How will he pay for that?" said Elwood.

  "I don't know, but one thing is for sure. He will pay for it."

  A huge alarm sounded in the sky and shook the ground.

  "Sir, it could be an earthquake?"

 

  "No, robot. That was Chancellor Merkill's bell ringing. It means she is hungry. Unfortunately we are running out of dead bodies. She might accept scrap metal. What is your body worth?"

  Andreas led them inside his house, lit candles and dotted them around the living room. He disappeared for a while, then Elwood and 234 heard the clattering of metal and the clunking of roof tiles. Without warning, the television flicked on and Andreas fell in through the window, wrapping himself in another curtain toga.

  "Friends, we have reception. This is an excellent picture. Let us see what is happening to the country."

  They waited while Andreas hopped from channel to channel before shouting, "Ah! There he is! The new guy in charge of Gyros's money."

  A caption appeared on screen next to a bald man. His name was Yanis Varoufukit. He was the country's only hope. He had to choose between slow inevitable bankruptcy or a quick economic collapse. Both would leave Gyros in greater ruin. The question was, could Varoufukit lead Gyros away from total disaster and salvage faith in the country's future?

  The group watched as Varoufukit negotiated a deal with the Tri-Fecked-Er to ensure Gyros's survival within the union of nations. The meeting was drawn out with many deals being placed on the table, until the leaders shuffled through the options, casting out the impractical and leaving behind the few viable options that Gyros had left. The meeting could be condensed as follows:

  Varoufukit: Here are the new conditions of Gyros's repayment plan. We refuse to pay any more debt.

  Chief of the I'M F'd: We reject your proposal.

  Varoufukit: You were not listening. I said Gyros refuses to pay any more of its debt.

  Chief of the I'M F'd: And we said that we reject your proposal.

  Varoufukit: Then there is no deal.

  Chief of the I'M F'd: Fine.

  [A short break in proceedings as the members of the Tri-Fecked-Er and Gyros came up with new plans, then the meeting continued]

  Varoufukit: Ok, Gyros is ready to negotiate again.

  Chief of the I'M F'd: Gyros must continue to pay back all of its debt with the current austerity measures. There are no negotiations.

  Varoufukit: We reject your proposal.

  Chief of the I'M F'd: Fine, there is no deal and Gyros gets no more money.

  Varoufukit: We reluctantly agree to pay back our debt, and let this be a lesson to you that Gyros will not be pushed around.

  [End of meeting]

  The prime minister held a press conference and announced that Gyros had won the debate, secured another loan and refused to comply with the austerity measures already in place. Cheers erupted throughout the capital.

  "There you have it," said Andrea. "Democracy in action."

  "I don't get it," said Elwood. "Gyros borrows more money that it can ever repay, on top of the already colossal debt. When is this economic recovery supposed to happen?"

  234 interrupted.

  "Sir, there is no recovery. Using an analogy from my hard drive: the situation here is like pumping sperm into a dead corpse."

  "Like pumping drugs into a dead patient," Andreas corrected. "Gyros is finished, and once we quit the single currency and go our own way, other nearby republics will follow suit and leave the union. There are troublesome times ahead, but in the long run, the outcome for Gyros will be positive. We have a chance to revive our country. Hold on. What is that ringing noise?"

  Andreas went outside and came back. With a heavy sigh, he said, "Sometimes I hear things. I get the impression someone is calling, even though the phone lines were cut ages ago
. Still haven't got used to it."

  "Sorry, that was me," said Elwood, grabbing a phone from his pocket. "Hello? Hello? Ah, Phoenix. No, it is great to hear from you. But not right now. Well, it's like you said. Warm, sunny, bankrupt. Yeah, loads of hot women. No, they don't do pizza. It's not the national dish. I said it's not the national dish. What? Don't be ridiculous! Of course they can. Who told you that? Yes they can. Yes...don't argue, you know they can. That's absurd. Hello?"

  Elwood put his phone away.

  "It was the captain," he said. "He claims that kangaroos cannot hop backwards."

  234 went blank. "Sir, I have no data that can confirm or deny this."

  Andreas switched off the television.

  "You can sleep here tonight," he said. "We must leave in the morning. Trouble is coming."

  "Kind Gyrosian, can I somehow recharge overnight?"

  "Of course. My son operates a wind up radio. I will wake him, connect your circuits to the radio and he can stay up winding all night. Elwood, I will show you to your room."

  The candles were blown out and Andreas called for his son.