Cosmic Tales 4: The Unexpected Guest Read online

  "Hopefully Rodeena has managed to create a long enough diversion. You should have seen Dreadener's face. He was livid. He was reeling off all my incredible skills and achievements. It was like my departure had left a ghostly absence no other officer could fill. I'll tell you a story about my triumph. One time -"

  "Right, Phoenix. I agreed to get you out and I've done my job. I've had enough and I'm going back to the ship."

  "Earth man, this is only the beginning of a wild adventure."

  Wingclipper struggled to contain his laugh as he saw Elwood disguised in his old dusty military uniform.

  "Look at what I'm wearing, Phoenix. I'm a mobile wallpaper jungle. Screw this. I'm going to do what the Greeks have planned and just cut my losses, leave and deal with any fallout. See you on the ship. I hope you make it out alive."

  "Hey, I need to use you."

  "You what?"

  "I said you need to get used to it. This. These strange circumstances. I know it's hard to adjust, but over time you will come to appreciate being away from your planet. Think of the stories you can take home."

  "Nobody will believe where I've been."

  "Exactly. Which makes your experience even more precious. Come on, earth man. I know you crave adventure. If you help me raid the cash storage on this ship, I will let you fly the Chromium Bullet to our next destination. Elwood? Elwood!"

  Elwood retraced his steps, dropped through a hatch and blended into a group of soldiers running errands. He kept his head down and cursed at Wingclipper with every step, then suddenly the ship's alarm sounded, the crew dispersed to their stations and Elwood was left clueless.

  * * * * *

  The recruit did exactly as he was told. He input the key code to several restricted access doors with a pistol pointed at his neck, his heart rate increasing with progress, wondering if the reptilian would pull the trigger at any moment. He found himself in a part of the ship he was not allowed in, nor had he been in before. It was a hall with many doors reserved for emergency evacuations only, and behind each one of these doors was a special device.

  Without warning, a figure burst through a pipe in the wall, covered in dust, sweat and accumulated crud. It brushed itself off to reveal a dishevelled Wingclipper clutching the remnants of his personal file.

  "Can I let the poor kid go now?" said Rodeena.

  "Recruit, where are you from?" said Wingclipper in an unusual commanding voice he had not used in a long time.

  "Al...Alponis, on the outer leg of the galaxy," said the recruit.

  "Do you have rock music there?"

  "Y...yes?"

  "All right, Rodeena. Let him go."

  The recruit fled and Wingclipper entered a code on one of the doors. The reinforced metal creaked open and they stepped inside, closing the doors behind them and initiating the launch procedure. Less than one minute before their pod would be fired out into space.

  "Wait. What about Elwood?"

  Wingclipper scratched his hair and looked around the pod.

  "He went back to the ship."

  "Are you sure he got back ok?"

  "He's from Yorkshire. He probably dropped mushy peas and used them to retrace his steps. He's experienced enough to thwart danger and look after himself by now."

  There was rattling at the door and Rodeena concentrated her third eye crystal on its source. The door quickly became transparent and she saw an image develop in her mind. When she awoke, there were ten seconds left until launch, and Wingclipper sat sporting a cigar and wielding a bottle of wine with two glasses.

  "Now that we're alone, my lizard queen..."

  "You rotten filthy liar! He's trying to get into the pod! How could you abandon him on the ship?"

  Rodeena whiplashed the wine bottle out of Wingclipper's hand with her tail, and the return whip launched the cigar from his mouth. Seeing the wine bottle smash, Wingclipper said, "Wow, that was a lovely way of christening the pod. Let me show you another way."

  He pounced on her without a care for his own safety.

  * * * * *

  Elwood gave up hammering his fists. His last minute sight and pursuit of Rodeena had been fruitless, and now he was faced with the inevitable. A throng of soldiers prevented his exit. The group parted into two when a red faced Dreadener barged countless personnel out of the way in an irate frenzy. A slithering Capnee struggled to keep pace by his side. Elwood sighed and prepared to meet the great balls of fire.

  "You're a sidekick of Captain Phoenix Wingclipper. What's your name?"

  "My name is Elwood Makepeace. You must be Sergeant Bilko."

  "I am General Dreadener, leader of this branch of this section of this department of the galactic army, in this quadrant. In any case, you are trespassing on my ship."

  Elwood watched Capnee's eye twitching with intense agitation.

  "There are penalties you must take," said Capnee. "For trespassing it is immediate death. Or life imprisonment, if you would prefer."

  "I'm English," said Elwood. "I can't take penalties."

  "There is no other option," said Capnee, receiving Dreadener's hand to the back of his head.

  "Young man, I make the executive decisions! Now Mr. Elwee Makefaeces, you have no other choice. You must die or go to jail."

  "Or be imprisoned," said Capnee.

  "You have four choices," Dreadener spoke over him.

  A far distant cry and a flailing of arms distracted the proceedings, and Dreadener turned to see what trouble was brewing. A recruit called and pointed towards the window looking out on to the docking bay. Then they all saw it - the Chromium Bullet raised its behind, pulled in its legs, span around and ejected itself into space. The operations room threw on its deflector force field to prevent its exit but they had left it too late. The group followed the sight of the ship leaving and growing exponentially smaller. When their attention returned to the earth man, they saw him quickly fire in a code on a piece of paper and enter one of the emergency pods. Dreadener ordered them to fire and a flurry of red pistol shots darted and landed against the key pad, sealing Elwood inside the pod, and causing Dreadener to bang his fists heavily on the ground until they were bruised. It was the reddest Capnee had ever seen his face turn. He was a tomato with a toupee.

  * * * * *

  The evacuation pod glued itself to the docking section of the Chromium Bullet in one violent act of suction. The pressurisation process completed itself and Elwood felt the missing portion of gravity return. On entry he found Wingclipper in the control room fawning over details of his sordid past from the humongous file he was browsing through. He looked up and took off his glasses to see Elwood standing drenched in sweat.

  "Hey, I'm so sorry, earth man. I thought you had made it back to the ship. You've joined us at just the right time because I found what we came for. Take a look at this."

  Elwood leaned into the light to see what Wingclipper was holding up. It had sharpened and defined edges. It was small enough to be held between the index finger and thumb. Elwood saw a cross indentation at one end.

  "This is the rare artefact that was worth my abandonment on the ship?" said Elwood. "This is the gem that is going to make us super rich and send me back to earth, isn't it?"

  "Wrong. This, earthtard, empowers us to have a real fun time. Feast your eyes."

  Wingclipper lowered the television, opened a cupboard and revealed a game controller. He walked over to Elwood and showed him where the small piece fitted to the controller, inserting the end with the cross indentation into the corresponding gap. Then he connected the controller to the wall and switched on the console.

  "It was the missing up, down, left, right piece on the key pad," said Wingclipper. "Now my character can actually move. I was tired of filling long hyper space journeys with boring crap like sleeping or reading. We have a new source of entertainment."

  234 emerged and saw Wingclipper playing his favourite game, then joined him as the second player. Elwood stood in disbelief while the two fought each othe
r in an artificial space race, dodging asteroids, collecting rare diamonds and pillaging planets for oil.

  Fed up and tired, Elwood returned to the evacuation pod and ejected himself into space for a while.

  * * * * *

  Written by Richard C. Parr

  * * * * *

  About the Author

  Richard C. Parr was born in 1986 in England and lives in Nottingham. He has travelled to 20 countries and runs a blog at HumanEmbodiment.com.

  Contact Me

  Email: [email protected]

  Twitter: @HumanEmbodiment

  Thank you for reading books on Archive.BookFrom.Net
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